Saturday, April 22, 2017

Not Waiting For Life To Happen

Started my period today. It's that one day of the month that kinda sucks and I don't just mean the cramping. Although, I could have told you five days ago I wasn't pregnant and was going to start my period soon. I just know my body too well.

Is it crazy to say I'm cool with it? Yea of course I'm confused, I don't like not having answers, I don't like not getting results, blah blah, but I've let go. Literally not overthinking it nor trying to investigate it at this point. That shit was just making me a hot mess.

I made a shift in my attitude and approach to this baby-making stuff about 6-8 weeks ago (that long already?!) and I know for sure it was the best thing for me—and for John lol. We still tried (or should I say we weren't trying to prevent it) and in all actuality it's ok that I haven't become pregnant in that time, and it's even ok that the changes I made weren't "the trick" to conceiving. I'm happy with where we're at either way.

We're living life not waiting for life to happen.

I'm slowly going back to how it was before we started trying. We've decided to plan a couple trips this year, and with what's on tap coming up it's making me think that I'd rather hold off on getting pregnant until after. Seriously! That's allowed, right? Besides, we have Finley and he's enough of a kid right now.


First, I signed up for a stand-up paddleboard (SUP) race—yes RACE!—on June 3 in one of my favorite places ever: the Russian River in Sonoma County, Northern Calif. If you're wondering, yup, that would be the (old) Vineman swim course! This race will actually ends at Johnson's Beach where the Vineman swim start/finish was, and will start 8 miles up the river from there.

I've always wanted to stay in Guernville but never did (after all those years racing Vineman), and we finally get to! We found a cute house rental tucked in the forest (there are dozens out there from which to choose). After that we're heading over to Napa for a few days—just like we used to after racing Vineman. Ah memories. This is also serving as special getaway for our first anniversary, so we even splurged on a dinner res at French Laundry (OMG!). All in all, I suppose I'd rather be sipping wine for a few days than having to abstain. ;)

Then we're talking about potentially some more summer travel as well, but nothing official yet. When we plan and talk about these things, it makes me realize that I want to soak up more time with John and do things we haven't done together before we bring a human into the world. So maybe it's a good thing that I haven't gotten pregnant yet.


Ok, how about me signing up for a freakin race?! Um, yea! I've made it no secret that I've fallen in love with SUP more than ever this year, and am starting to feel pretty fit on the board. But I'm not "fit fit," and certainly nowhere near the old me as, nor would I want to be putting in that kind of effort into training these days, it's just does not appeal to me at all. But for SUP, I'm fit enough to get in some decent miles and feel strong on the board. I have a very reasonable goal of wanting to go sub-2 hours for the 8-mile race. To put that in perspective, right now when I SUP in the open ocean I'm doing 12:00 to 15:00 minute miles—and that can be anything from an aerobic/MAF effort to tempo effort depending on conditions. Anything sub-13 pace is basically a hard effort! I have no idea what girls who are actually good are doing but that's not what this is about. I could be dead last for all I care. My fitness and satisfaction with this is all internal and for me. Plus, this race I signed up for seems super mellow and nothing too serious, so we'll see. It was mostly the location that got me to sign up for it. I have done one SUP race before in 2015 and it KICKED MY ASS, so I have no idea what I'm getting myself into, and I love that.

Work-wise I've made some peace with things too. I also have plans to finally pursue some backburner projects that I've always wanted to do but haven't "had time" to pull the trigger and excuses follow. The way I see it these days, THE TIME IS NOW. And that goes for everything. Don't sit on something, some idea, some goal, and just hope it can happen someday. Make it happen. Live your life on your terms. Do cool shit.


We all go through lows in life, we all have shit going on, we all get curveballs thrown our way. Guess what: We have a choice. A choice over our attitude, our mindset, and a choice to make the most of even a shitty situation. 

And that fucking rocks. What a gift.

And hey, that doesn't mean you have to suck it up and always put on a smile or have happy thoughts every second of the day. I don't think that's possible! We will still have shitty days and shitty moments. We are still allowed to feel sorry for ourselves every now and then and let it out in the form of tears or whatever your thing is. But my point is, over the long term we have a choice to choose a good attitude and make it a good life; we don't have to be stuck in a living hell.


  1. Hi Tawnee,

    You don't know me, but I've been following your blog for years. You are such an inspiration to me. Once you opened up about your eating disorder, I sort of knew we were kindred spirits. You see, I too had an eating disorder for 16 years and am in recovery for about five years. During those 16 crazy years, I became an athlete addicted to triathlons and running. I completed 3 IM's, 12 Half IM, so many olympic and sprint to count and on top of this 6 full marathons and again too many halfs to count. At one point I remember telling someone that I want to be in such great shape that I can do a half ironman any given day I wanted to without any additional training. All things were going well when I was training for a 50K and a half ironman and I couldn't get my heart rate to go down. I went to my doctor's and he ran an EKG and said that there was something wrong with my heart. I was so scared and knew that it was because of being bulimic. I referred me to a heart specialist. After a long wait I saw the heart specialist and to my amazement, she said that there was nothing wrong I was probably just dehydrated when he did the first reading. Anyway, I promised from that day forward to try and stop this behavior. Little did I know what I was getting into. I really thought it was all just a habit. Eating disorders are so much more than this. I ended up seeing a therapist and doing some outpatient work at the Emily Center where I live for almost 4 years. Just recently have I stopped seeing a therapist. I had a few relapses during the past years, but I have not BP for over a year. I have also turned Vegan, which I just love. During all of this, I realized I wanted to get pregnant. I have a thyroid condition that got even more out of whack with stress and what not and so this on top of being an athlete didn't help. We tried for nearly two years to get pregnant. We ended up going to a fertility specialist and they said my husband and I were in great shape to have a baby and she really wasn't sure why I wasn't getting pregnant. After a lot of testing and discussion, we to have the clinic help us get pregnant. However, right after we bought the medication necessary, I got pregnant. We now have a healthy 2 year and 2 month year old. I don't really know why I am telling you all of this, but I just want you to know that it sometimes takes a long time to get pregnant. For me I know I was putting too much stress on myself. Once I knew the fertility clinic was going to help us, my stress must have dropped because I got pregnant on my own. I believe the constant pressure I have put on myself to be perfect was really stopping me from getting pregnant. I just want to wish you good luck in your journey and thank you for sharing all you do over the years. You are brave.

    1. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I can relate for sure, and it's so great to hear all you've overcome and that recognizing your stress was holding you back. Most of all, glad you have a healthy little toddler now xoxoxoxoo

  2. I felt compelled to share my story after your recent posts. I’ve been listening and following you for a couple years and I love your transparency and involvement on the topic of health, performance especially as it relates to female athletes! I finally feel like there’s a voice for this subject which is personal to me.
    I was a fitness enthusiast for most of my life. 10 years ago, I found combat sports (full contact kickboxing and boxing) and fell in love. I trained and competed in several amateur fights. My training was intense, averaging 10-14 hours a week while juggling school and life. I later found Crossfit and Ultrarunning which all fed into my growing obsession. I became very underweight and felt pressure to sustain my very lean body composition. I had Amenorrhea for about 3 years. I also developed a toxic relationship with food and body image. I habitually binged, under ate, over trained and it became a vicious cycle for nearly 5 years. The obsession interfered with my health, relationships and school.

    Later, when I started dating my now husband, I knew I wanted to one day start a family. This was when I realized I needed/wanted to make some changes- so I did! I scaled back my training, gained weight and got a regular period back within a year. Just 5 months after we got married we decided to start trying. I was optimistic since it had been 1.5 years since I made those big health changes! We did a fertility analysis early on with mostly normal results. Everything was normal except that I had significant uterine polyps. I immediately had them removed hoping it would be the fix! But still, we were not getting pregnant. Everyone around me seemed to be getting pregnant too which didn’t help my mental and emotional state. It was a dark time for me to say the least. After a year and a half of negative pregnancy tests and tears, we decided to see a fertility specialist again. Turns out, I had more polyps! Either they didn’t get them all the first time or I had new growths. After some research about estrogen dominance linked to polyps (along with other health issues I had at the time), I decided to make additional changes. Most of these changes were paying even more attention to ingredients in food and personal products. For example, I stopped using deodorants and made my own DIY soaps as well as consolidated the use of personal products on my skin. These changes helped clear up an allergy I was having at the time which just goes to prove the holistic approach to health and healing! Anyway, the polyps were removed, yet again. This was around the time of 1.5 years of trying to get pregnant. At this point, I was exhausted from the monthly emotional rollercoaster, which, with each progressing month, felt worse and worse.

    I soon decided I no longer wanted my happiness to depend on such an uncontrollable factor. My awesome and supportive husband and I were on the same page. We were done feeling helpless or constantly waiting for something to happen in order to live our lives fully. I remember talking to my husband on a walk, “Lets just live our lives. I’m ok if we don’t have kids. If those are the cards we are delt, let’s adopt another dog and in your same words, “do cool shit!” We have so much to be grateful for as is. It was a special and important moment for us. We just. Let. Go.

    Just 2 months later, I was late. I peed on a stick and it was positive. It was a year ago today actually. We were able to get pregnant on our own, it just took us nearly 2 years. So for us, it did happen and we are grateful. We are now parents to our healthy 4 month old son. My point in writing this is twofold. I know this journey can be filled with frequent disappointment and heartbreak. For me it was always comforting to hear other peoples’ personal stories. Second, I just want to say in reflection to your last blog post about not waiting for life to happen…I can ‘t agree and encourage you more. Go forth and live your life….NOW :)

    1. Thank you, Tia, for taking the time to write your story. I love transformation you've made over the years and now you're a super strong mama! it's crazy what us gals put ourselves through before we wise up, huh?! If you get a sec, email me at xo

  3. Tawnee you're a good person .... Great things always happen to great people .. As a big fan of yours and an endurance athlete, when my wife and I were struggling TTC and we learned it was partly on my end. I was crushed, it's normal to battle your mind and wonder why you can run a 6mm but can't sire a child. You and John love one another !!! Keep focusing on that! Love, physical and emotional contact are going to strengthen your marriage and enrich your life !! Keep up the great work! Be sure to let us know how the SUP race goes ...