Saturday, April 22, 2017

Not Waiting For Life To Happen

Started my period today. It's that one day of the month that kinda sucks and I don't just mean the cramping. Although, I could have told you five days ago I wasn't pregnant and was going to start my period soon. I just know my body too well.

Is it crazy to say I'm cool with it? Yea of course I'm confused, I don't like not having answers, I don't like not getting results, blah blah, but I've let go. Literally not overthinking it nor trying to investigate it at this point. That shit was just making me a hot mess.

I made a shift in my attitude and approach to this baby-making stuff about 8-plus weeks ago (that long already?!) and I know for sure it was the best thing for me—and for John lol. We still tried (or should I say we weren't trying to prevent it) and in all actuality it's ok that I haven't become pregnant in that time, and it's even ok that the changes I made weren't "the trick" to conceiving. I'm happy with where we're at either way.

We're living life not waiting for life to happen.

In fact, I'm hitting the reset button. Go back to how it was before we started trying. We've decided to plan a few trips this year, and with a couple of the plans we have for this summer it's making me think that I'd rather hold off on getting pregnant until after that. Seriously! I'm dead serious that we're probably going to take a break for a month or two. And not that we were trying oh-so hard recently (it's been super casual) but now I'm even more ok with having patience.


First, I signed up for a stand-up paddleboard (SUP) race—yes RACE!—on June 3 in one of my favorite places ever: the Russian River in Sonoma County, Northern Calif. If you're wondering, yup, that would be the (old) Vineman swim course! This race will actually ends at Johnson's Beach where the Vineman swim start/finish was, and will start 8 miles up the river from there.

I've always wanted to stay in Guernville but never did (fell in love after all those years racing Vineman), and we finally get to! We found a cute house rental tucked in the forest (there are dozens out there from which to choose). After that we're heading over to Napa for a few days—just like we used to after racing Vineman. Ah memories. This is also serving as special getaway for our first anniversary, so we even splurged on a dinner res at French Laundry (OMG!). All in all, I suppose I'd rather be sipping wine for a few days than having to abstain* ;)

Then we're talking about potentially some more summer travel as well, but nothing official yet. When we plan and talk about these things, it makes me realize that I want to soak up more time with John and do things we haven't done together before we bring a human into the world. So maybe it's a good thing that I haven't gotten pregnant yet. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm so ready if it were to happen, duh, but maybe the extra time as a family of three is what we need (Finley = No. 3).


Ok, how about me signing up for a freakin race?! Um, yea! I've made it no secret that I've fallen in love with SUP more than ever this year, and am starting to feel pretty fit on the board. But I'm not "fit fit," and certainly nowhere near the old me as, nor would I want to be putting in that kind of effort into training these days, it's just does not appeal to me at all. But for SUP, I'm fit enough to get in some decent miles and feel strong on the board. I have a very reasonable goal of wanting to go sub-2 hours for the 8-mile race. To put that in perspective, right now when I SUP in the open ocean I'm doing 12:00 to 15:00 minute miles—and that can be anything from an aerobic/MAF effort to tempo effort depending on conditions. Anything sub-13 pace is basically a hard effort! I have no idea what girls who are actually good are doing but that's not what this is about. I could be dead last for all I care. My fitness and satisfaction with this is all internal and for me. Plus, this race I signed up for seems super mellow and nothing too serious, so we'll see. It was mostly the location that got me to sign up for it. I have done one SUP race before in 2015 and it KICKED MY ASS, so I have no idea what I'm getting myself into, and I love that.

Work-wise I've made some peace with things too. I've picked the momentum back up in the last couple weeks and am feeling that spark again. Taking breaks work people—it doesn't make you a lazy failure! I also have plans to finally pursue some backburner projects that I've always wanted to do but haven't "had time" to pull the trigger and excuses follow. The way I see it these days, THE TIME IS NOW. And that goes for everything. Don't sit on something, some idea, some goal, and just hope it can happen someday. Make it happen. Live your life on your terms. Do cool shit.


So to sum it up:

We all go through lows in life, we all have shit going on, we all get curveballs thrown our way. Guess what: We have a choice. A choice over our attitude, our mindset, and a choice to make the most of even a shitty situation. 

And that fucking rocks. What a gift.

And hey, that doesn't mean you have to suck it up and always put on a smile or have happy thoughts every second of the day. I don't think that's possible! We will still have shitty days and shitty moments. We are still allowed to feel sorry for ourselves every now and then and let it out in the form of tears or whatever your thing is. But my point is, over the long term we have a choice to choose a good attitude and make it a good life; we don't have to be stuck in a living hell.

Good example of those moments when you just feel shitty: You can watch/hear me talk about a recent hiccup I went through over body image and feeling negative/insecure over at, we're doing this video series called "Women's Corner" and you can literally hear me talk about my deepest darkest feelings and how I overcome those negative moments to choose positivity, health and happiness in any shape or form. Not just me, either, I have an amazing co-host who's willing to talk about her life shit too. (PS Sign up for 30 days free with code lpc4me.)


*I got a TON of super nice messages and emails after my last post on the struggles of TTC, so thank you to all who took the time to write and share words of wisdom, love, etc. Interestingly, many of you who shared stories of struggling to get pregnant pretty much said that when you drank and vacationed more, that's when it happened. Yet, the "research" says to abstain from alcohol. What's one to think? That is still a legit question I have. In the meantime, cheers ;)

1 comment:

  1. Hi Tawnee,

    You don't know me, but I've been following your blog for years. You are such an inspiration to me. Once you opened up about your eating disorder, I sort of knew we were kindred spirits. You see, I too had an eating disorder for 16 years and am in recovery for about five years. During those 16 crazy years, I became an athlete addicted to triathlons and running. I completed 3 IM's, 12 Half IM, so many olympic and sprint to count and on top of this 6 full marathons and again too many halfs to count. At one point I remember telling someone that I want to be in such great shape that I can do a half ironman any given day I wanted to without any additional training. All things were going well when I was training for a 50K and a half ironman and I couldn't get my heart rate to go down. I went to my doctor's and he ran an EKG and said that there was something wrong with my heart. I was so scared and knew that it was because of being bulimic. I referred me to a heart specialist. After a long wait I saw the heart specialist and to my amazement, she said that there was nothing wrong I was probably just dehydrated when he did the first reading. Anyway, I promised from that day forward to try and stop this behavior. Little did I know what I was getting into. I really thought it was all just a habit. Eating disorders are so much more than this. I ended up seeing a therapist and doing some outpatient work at the Emily Center where I live for almost 4 years. Just recently have I stopped seeing a therapist. I had a few relapses during the past years, but I have not BP for over a year. I have also turned Vegan, which I just love. During all of this, I realized I wanted to get pregnant. I have a thyroid condition that got even more out of whack with stress and what not and so this on top of being an athlete didn't help. We tried for nearly two years to get pregnant. We ended up going to a fertility specialist and they said my husband and I were in great shape to have a baby and she really wasn't sure why I wasn't getting pregnant. After a lot of testing and discussion, we to have the clinic help us get pregnant. However, right after we bought the medication necessary, I got pregnant. We now have a healthy 2 year and 2 month year old. I don't really know why I am telling you all of this, but I just want you to know that it sometimes takes a long time to get pregnant. For me I know I was putting too much stress on myself. Once I knew the fertility clinic was going to help us, my stress must have dropped because I got pregnant on my own. I believe the constant pressure I have put on myself to be perfect was really stopping me from getting pregnant. I just want to wish you good luck in your journey and thank you for sharing all you do over the years. You are brave.